I can't believe you left; not like this. I am beyond devastated...I don't think there is an adequate word that could even begin to describe how I feel. I feel so many things. I feel shattered. I feel angry. I feel like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest and stomped on. Such a far cry from where we used to be. Not even sure why I'm writing this because I can't articulate as eloquently as I would like to right now. I just feel the need to write, so I am.
I remember when we took Brooks for that long ride through the mountains and then stopped for ice cream on the way home. He was so gentle with that cone for such a big dog. He was such a good boy and was so patient. Do you remember the spot of ice cream on the end of his nose? It was the cutest thing ever and I thought I would never stop giggling!
I trusted you; you trusted me. You were there for me at times when I wouldn't let anyone else in and vice versa. You understood the 'dark side', the tears, the pain... even the things I didn't say. Sometimes we just sat, not saying anything; we didn't have to.
I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that you gave up like you did. I miss you so much; even the fights. Okay, well not really the fights, but the fact that we always got it straightened out in the end. I never realized that the last time you walked out through my front door would be the last time you would. I think about you a lot more than I think you realize. I think about the wedding I won't attend, the kids of yours that I'll never see, the even more fantastic young woman that you would have become...you took that all away from me. Not just me...EVERYONE! I was a phone call away, but you decided that was too far. A PHONE CALL! I will forever wonder... wonder if I did something to upset you; if I didn't do enough to help you; if you felt that I didn't understand. So many questions left unanswered.
When I got to the cemetery this evening I just sat there. Not sure what I was waiting for; maybe to make sure nobody else was around. I finally got out of the truck and walked over to your grave, and I sat down. I began to talk, but the words... each one got caught in my throat. All I could manage to get out were tears. So I sat there, cross-legged on your grave, sobbing. The pain was so intense that I wasn't sure I would walk out of there. I cried so much that I ended up falling asleep on the ground for about 20 minutes. When I woke up, the nightmare began again. As soon as my eyes open, the tears flow; just like always.
For you, it's over. Your pain is gone. Mine is not; it has only intensified. I hope you can't see the extent of the carnage you left behind; the people who cry themselves to sleep every single night because you decided to put an end to your pain.
I don't hate you, but right now I am so enraged! One phone call... ONE PHONE CALL... I was right here the whole time! I was not the only one; but you refused to believe that. The emotions come in waves and I wonder if they will ever stop. I'm angry. I'm beyond devastated. I feel empty. I feel numb. But I will always love you because you were my best friend.
I am asking each person who reads this to please share the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Thank you.
If you are considering suicide, PLEASE give them a call or go online to chat with them here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org